I’ve previously touched on my health issues and anxiety in earlier posts but I’ve been going through quite a bad patch with both recently so I thought I’d share my experiences. I’m sure there are other people out there who feel similar so just know that you are not alone. (Please pardon the MJ song pun).
Since around mid October my head pains have been bothering me everyday and after a period of feeling slightly better it feels like I’m moving backwards rather than forwards. I have a neurology appointment next Friday so hopefully they can give me some answers and perhaps send me for another scan as I haven’t had one since June. I do worry that scans cause more harm than good in the long run but I need to know what’s going on in my head as it doesn’t feel right. I want to earn some money for Christmas so I’m signed up with a job agency to do some temping work and I tried my first assignment last week which involved covering a reception desk. The morning went really well and I quite enjoyed it apart from getting a bit stressed during the manic periods but come the afternoon, the pain in my head was overwhelming and I started to feel sick. I struggled on and saw the day through as I didn’t want to let anyone down but I’m scared to take on any similar work in case it makes me feel really unwell again. I’m still getting pains everyday and have to be really careful not to push myself too far or overdo things.
It didn’t help that I worried about it so much the night before that I hardly slept so felt really tired and anxious until I settled in. I’m terrible at leaving my comfort zones (including lie ins, being at home, going to the gym or visiting family) so I often panic when I have to do anything else. I worried that I’d be incapable of doing the job and let everyone down. The thought of not being able to work the systems, being rubbish on the phone and making mistakes flooded my mind from the moment I found out about the assignment. Once I got the hang of what I was doing I was absolutely fine but this won’t stop me from panicking about exactly the same things the next time I have an assignment lined up.
My anxiety manifests itself mostly through feeling sick, losing my appetite and not being able to sleep. I also become very on edge and jittery so I can’t settle until whatever it is that is making me anxious is over. Luckily, I don’t suffer from panic attacks but can understand how scary they must be. Often when I feel anxious about something tensions are high so I can snap or lose my temper over the smallest thing because I’m so close to the end of my tether anyway. This isn’t ideal for friendships or relationships as people can take things personally or get offended when I snap at them. Does anyone else get really irritable as a result of their anxiety?
On top of all this I also get stressed out very easily and things that probably wouldn’t bother most people tend to affect me. It probably stems from being a perfectionist and wanting everything to run smoothly so when it inevitably doesn’t I panic and worry that I won’t be able to cope. I don’t exactly flourish under pressure and I’m yet to find a job that’s laid back enough for me not to get too stressed about which is no easy task! However, the panicking doesn’t last long and I do tend to get on with things but the constant adrenaline rushes and ups and downs don’t seem to do my health any favours.
Due to these aspects of my personality I do often worry about my future, particularly career wise but once I’m settled in somewhere things do get easier, I relax more and end up doing a pretty good job. I just need to believe in myself more and try to keep calm whenever possible. I would love to hear from anyone who battle similar feelings or suffer from anxiety and any tips you have for coping with it all. There are definitely good days and bad days or I find that I’ll go through a bad patch for a few weeks then be fine for months. All part of the ups and downs of life I suppose.